I Reject Your Reality and Substitute My Own

I think I might start seriously posting here. About me, life, school.


Let's see, I started my first year at GVSU, having transferred from GRCC (Grand Rapids Community College). Classes started last Monday, forcing me to get up at 8am. Something I haven't done in YEARS. For the past year, I've been working, nights, which had me getting up at 8PM. Talk about a complete 180!!! It's seriously messing with my ability to sleep. Thank god for sleeping pills!

As a result of the stupid job I was forced to get, I hurt my lower back in June. It's STILL not completely healed, and I've been in physical therapy for 2 months now. I had to see a specialist last week, and learned it wasn't my spine I injured, but the nerves on both sides of my lower back. PLUS, while the physiologist was examining me, he discovered I had undiagnosed flat feet! No wonder I've never found a pair of comfortable tennis shoes through out my entire primary/middle/high school career. What I want to know, is how no one noticed before?! *shakes head* I can vividly recall my pediatrician always looking at my feet and legs, joints every single year! What else could he have missed?!
Anyway, the doctor recommends I get special arch support, $160.....yeah, I'm gonna rush right out there and do that. OR I could just wear casual shoes for the rest of my life.

Well, maybe now that I'm back in classes again, I'll start writing again. That will be nice, not being exhausted from work all the time, and have all my creativity and imagination completely sapped from lack of sleep.

Oh well, we'll see!

 But's it's not NEARLY as many as last time, and I'll put them behind a cut! 


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Ok, I went and re-took the test. And YEA ME: http://scrubs.mopnt.com/fun/personality/index.php?result=jd

WAHOO. I don't mind being a dork. And my friends and family say my ADD just makes me more interesting!

I do tend to attract weirdo's though...First two exes, WAY SCARY. Almost ... stalker like.

I STILL don't know how my second one got my phone-number, and that of my friends . . . Oooh, or how he found the address to my high school to deliver that present. HOLY CRAP!! WHY DID I NEVER THINK OF THIS BEFORE!!!!!!! Ok, it's ok, breath . . . He hasn't contacted you since he got out from his 9 month jail sentence, and that was over a year ago.

Dear freaking Lord! WAS I THAT STUPID AS A TEENAGER?! How did I never realize how FREAKY it was that this guy found my phone-number before I was able to tell him it, AND find out the address of my high school! A school which's NAME I don't believe I ever mentioned to him!!!!!

He also hit on my best friend (who is 8 years older than I am), and asked her to go to spring break with him and have lots of sex!!! He actually thought I wouldn't find out.

Oh, and that jail sentence of his? It was for getting in a drunken brawl with a guy at a bar, then proceeding to poor alcohol on the man's car AND SET IT ON FIRE!!!!!
THE MAN ACTUALLY CALLED ME FROM PRISON, COLLECT!!!!! My parents answered the phone, and were asked if they would accept a call from WISCONSIN STATE PRISON!!!! Dear fucking God, I have never been more embarrassed. The WEIRDEST part about that phone call, was we had been broken up for almost a year at that point! So I have NO CLUE why he would have been calling me.

Huh . . . I've had a stranger life than I thought. . . And I thought my teen years were BORING! I apparently simply wasn't looking at it SANELY.

I'm lucky to have made it out alive, without some wacko killing me. I DO need a bodyguard!

You scored as Anarchist. Coochy choochy coo, what a cute little ANARCHIST we have here. You see everything as a means to an end, and that end is You. You don't understand why some saps do community service cause you wouldn't be caught dead picking up trash unless you were in an orange jumpsuit. You're also pretty angry at the world but are too self-concerned to do anything about it because you are an anarchist. Understanding this statement would practically kill you, "There is freedom in obedience." You probably also hate Bush. </td> Anarchist 95% Buddhist 70% Christian 65% Jewish 55% Cult 50% Catholic 45% Religion created with QuizFarm.com

Which TOTALLY pisses off my whole family:

What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too.

I have that feeling again. That soul-wrenching, urgent feeling that there's something I'm supposed to be doing. That there's somewhere I'm supposed to be. Yet I have no clue what it is.... *sigh*

 

On top of that, is the intense feeling of dispair I've been engulfed with the past several months. A sense that my life, is meaning less. That I'm a useless waste of oxygen.

For many years, I've had suicidal thoughts. But my overwhelming fear of death and what comes next has always held me in check. That fear, has disappeared though. I've come to a realization that even if death just means the end for a soul (if such a thing exists), it seems a better option than the tedious existence I currently live.
Anything would be better than the constant drudgery, the broken dreams, and loss of all hope I exist in. It seems now a welcome escape.

Two years. That's the time limit I've set for myself. If nothing happens in that period of time to end the constant ache inside me, or start me on the path to some semblance of a comfortable and pleasant life/future, I'll do it. I'll end this mockery of existence.....

I'm just so tired of feeling sad and frustrated all the time.
Of feeling like nothing matters and the growing realization that nothing great is ever going to happen to me.
I'll never find love
I'll never have a successful, enjoyable career
I'll never escape this purgatory my life has turned into.

Admittedly, I've had years of therapy, and they've suggested the same thing. But I really think they're right.

Ok, now you're all wondering WHAT exactly it is that I think I am.


Bipolar. It just explains so many things about me. My therapist isn't sure, but to be honest, I don't exactly tell him everything. I've never been able to be quite completely forthcoming with the man. Expose myself that way.

I think I need a new therapist. Someone I CAN confide in.


*sigh* I know there most likely isn't anyone reading. I think that's what makes it easy to write this stuff here. And not feel guilty about posting all those damn quizzes.

I believe I went insane last night . . . . Hell, I don't know whas was wrong with me. I urge to take quizzes is still strong. But I'm going to resist it ....as long as I can.


Man, I always knew I was crazy, but this whole thing with the quizzes takes it to a whole new level.